Recently,“Prefabricated doll”The word fires.

It refers to children who are carefully planned by their parents, their schedules are full, and their skills are full. They have been shuttled in various interest classes since childhood, and their resumes are glamorous, as if they are the perfect products produced on the industrial assembly line.

Summer vacation has also become the hardest hit area of "prefabrication". Countless children learn the course content of the next semester or even the next semester in advance, and then "reheat" by teachers after the start of school ".

However, under the hustle and bustle of this "chicken baby", a deeper crisis is spreading--Many children are facing a silent "relationship accident".

The essence of "prefabrication" is to fill with seemingly efficient skills to replace and squeeze the time and space for children to develop real relationships.

When a child's time is occupied with "useful" skills, he loses the opportunity to establish deep emotional connections with his parents and peers.

We give our children the best education, but we may let them live in the loneliest childhood.

And this, exactlyExecutive Director, Stanford Learning AcceleratorHou Keli (Christina K. H.)In her book, Relationships to Achieve Children, she tries to warn us of the core problem.

Hou KeliThe new book, "Achieve Children's Relationships,"

Published by CITIC Publishing House

From "stunting" to Harvard graduation, she used dramatic life experiences and decades of educational practice to reveal a long-neglected truth:Healthy interpersonal relationship is the real foundation of brain development, learning ability and resilience, and it is also a key factor in predicting a child's future development and happiness.

How does this inspire our parenting model today? The Bund Jun interviewed Hou Keli.

more critical than IQ and EQ,

It is RQ.

When it comes to success, we first think of IQ (IQ) and then EQ (EQ). But Hou Keli put forward a more critical concept:RQ（Relationship Intelligence），即Relationship IQ/Interpersonal Intelligence.

In fact, as early as around 2000, the United States family business consulting expert Edwin. A. Hoover, as well as the German interpersonal expert Stephen F. Gross, have proposed the concept of relational intelligence quotient (RQ). Only at the time, the concept was only used for relationship management in family businesses, as well as in the field of professional relationships.

Family business consulting expert Hoover inGetting Along in Family Business book, using RQ to integrate relationship management practices in family firms

Today, Hou Keli extends the discussion of RQ to the field of education and defines it"Human Advantage More Critical than EQ in the Age of AI".

For a clearer understanding, we can make a simple distinction:

If EQ is more about the intrinsic ability to understand and manage one's own emotions, RQ is about the interactive ability and extrinsic practice of understanding others and building and maintaining healthy relationships. It emphasizes more"Interaction" and "connection".

Hou Keli's own growth experience is the best proof of the power of RQ.

She was born in rural southern France. In his childhood, he was diagnosed as "developmental delay" by the hospital because he walked and spoke slower than his peers, and was labeled as "low academic potential.

Fortunately, her parents sent her to an early education program with a warm relationship. Here, no matter how the child's external performance, the teacher can give enough attention. At home, her parents accompany her to read and play games, and establish a strong parent-child relationship.

In an environment full of love and security, Hou Keli not only overcame learning disabilities, but also went all the way to Harvard University, served as the executive director of the Stanford University Learning Accelerator, became a financial elite and educational thinker, and was ratedHarvard Business School's 100 Most Influential Women"One of them.

Hou Kali at Stanford University

Decades of educational practice, she has participated in the Harvard Child Development Center, Khan Institute, Aspen Institute and other educational organizations, but also let her see time and time again, "relationship" on the profound impact of children.

Numerous studies in neuroscience, educational psychology,A loving "relationship" has a strong shaping and influence on a child's brain, and it can also stimulate a child's potential that cannot be quantified in standardized tests.

In other words,Whether a child can become a talent or not may not be determined by how many tutoring classes he has, but whether he has a high-quality and supportive relationship network.

There was a follow-up study on happiness at Harvard University.

The 85-year follow-up survey, covering 724 participants and more than 1300 of their offspring,The most important element of happiness in life is neither money nor fame, nor achievement or power, but the quality of relationships.

According to Dr. Robert Waldinger, a professor of neurology at Harvard Medical School and director of the study,There is an urgent need for basic education to increase the lesson of "relationship" to help students have the ability to build good interpersonal and intimate relationships.

Similarly, Hou Keli also pointed out that for today's parents and educators, the most urgent thing is preciselyFrom the traditional "chicken baby anxiety" to "relationship parenting".

In the environment where individuals are becoming more and more competitive and isolated, building a good parent-child and social network for children, so that children have the ability to unite and socialize with others, is the most important link in family education and school education.

Today's children are in a relationship recession 」

Relationships are so important, but we are in an era of "relationship decline.

On the one hand, it is "digital distraction" and social alienation.Smartphones are pervasive, and electronic screens have replaced what should be human interaction.

Today's children are the "loneliest generation".Family structures are getting smaller, children have less and less contact with adult relatives such as grandparents; because of excessive competition and emphasis on academic performance, the time children spend playing with their peers has shrunk significantly... The loneliness of teenagers has doubled in the past 10 years.

Hou Keli reminded,Today, "digital distraction" parents, also more and more.In the process of interacting with their children, many parents are accustomed to frequently checking their mobile phones and social media, or are in an absent-minded state, and the focus of parent-child companionship is often interrupted.

Our brain development does not exist in isolation, but is constructed in interpersonal relationships.Especially during the critical period of brain development in childhood, the lack of continuous and positive interpersonal interaction-such as conversation, play, reading and emotional resonance-may lead to delayed cognitive development in children.

Dr. KarynPurvis, a child development expert, once vividly said: boring repetition takes 400 times to grow a synapse, while repetition with laughter takes 12 times to grow one, because dopamine is online. Positive emotions can accelerate learning and have been repeatedly verified by neuroscience.

Another reason for the "relationship decline" is the "over-competitive" educational culture.。It allows children to see their classmates as competitors rather than trusted partners.

This evaluation system, which takes scores as the only yardstick, alienates the peer relationship into a zero-sum game of "you lose and I win. Children learn how to hide their weaknesses, but forget how to sincerely ask for help and cooperate.

The deeper danger is that,This long-term, high-pressure competitive environment will continue to activate children's stress response system, resulting in high levels of stress hormones such as cortisol.

Studies have shown that chronic stress not only damages the hippocampus, which is responsible for learning and memory, but also affects the function of the prefrontal cortex-the brain region where we make complex social decisions, empathy and self-regulation. In other words,The pressure of "excessive competition" may be on a physiological level, quietly weakening the neural basis for children to develop high RQ.

The harm of this lack of relationship is enormous. We often hear about the dilemma of some "high-scoring students" after entering the workplace: they have strong business capabilities, but they cannot integrate into the team, it is difficult to gain the trust and cooperation of colleagues, and they are eventually marginalized in complex projects.

This is the classic high IQ, low RQ dilemma. No matter how high the individual ability is, if it cannot be converted into the joint force of the team, its value will be greatly reduced.

And what is worrisome is that,Social alienation and excessive competition are accelerating the maturation of the adolescent brain.-- This change was originally only observed in children experiencing long-term adversity. Scientists have clearly pointed out that,For the first time in recent years since the advent of IQ tests, human IQ has declined.

Hou Keli said frankly that only time can give the answer to whether these brain changes will persist and what kind of impact they will have.

Today, the advent of the AI age has not eased the "relationship decline.

As an artificial intelligence consultant for many companies, Hou Kali found that artificial intelligence is not only sweeping our lives, but also eager to fill our growing interpersonal gap.

It is estimated that more than one billion people around the world are using AI partners to form friendships, conduct psychotherapy, and even develop romantic relationships. According to Common Sense Media, about 1/3 of teenagers believe that conversations with artificial intelligence are as satisfying as or more satisfying than conversations with friends in real life.

Children's brains are naturally eager to connect, and artificial intelligence is very attractive to teenagers.

However, can the human-computer interaction brought by AI replace real interpersonal communication?

Hou Keli reminded,Artificial intelligence company, and can not improve the child's interpersonal IQ.Real interpersonal relationships are full of friction, misunderstanding, silence, and unmet needs. It requires us to pay patience, humility, wisdom, and tolerance for the complexity of intimate relationships.

Therefore,In AI age, we need to establish real relationships before embracing virtual intelligence.

In the age of artificial intelligence,

More to turn 「relational parenting」

If IQ is the competition in the industrial age and EQ is the emphasis in the information age, then in Hou Keli's view,In the era of artificial intelligence, RQ will become the undisputed core competitiveness.

The reason is simple: AI can replace humans in most knowledge-and logic-based tasks (IQ-related), and can even simulate and analyze emotions (EQ-related), but it can never replace real, warm, and creative connections between people.

When ChatGPT can help with copywriting and making statements, what is our unique value as "human beings"? It lies in one's empathy ability, collaboration ability, ability to build trust and the ability to stimulate team potential-these are the scope of RQ.

some economists even pointed out that,By 2050, the relationship industry will have swallowed nearly half of the job market.The future belongs to those who are not only knowledgeable, but also able to unite people's hearts and minds, using AI to strengthen humanity rather than weaken it.

Hou Keli's postsaid today has come"The Age of Relational Intelligence".As AI increasingly affects education, work and social life, we need to focus on developing and expanding the relational intelligence that is essential to humanity.

However, training RQ cannot be solved by reporting an "emotional intelligence class. It requires us to practice "relational parenting" in our daily lives ".

Hou Keli put forward many concrete and feasible methods, which can be summarized as follows:

1. A sense of presence at the family level"

As the mother of two girls, Hou Keli was also worried about her children's excessive screen time, lack of social interaction, and lack of parent-child companionship.

At the busiest time of work, her daughter once said to her, "Mom, you are here, but your heart is not here." This sentence is like a blow to the head. She realized,Children can acutely distinguish whether their parents are perfunctory companionship or total "presence".

Since then, she has created tiny "connection rituals" at home: for example, the whole family puts down their cell phones at dinner, walks alone with their daughters, and talks about open-ended questions that are never perfunctory. Now that her two daughters have grown into teenagers, she finds that the most heart-to-heart conversations between mother and daughter are when driving, cooking or walking the dog, those moments when there is no set agenda and only each other.

Of course, relationship parenting is not perfectionism, nor is it an inch away.It's more about the quality of attention, whether the child feels seen, heard, and valued.

In the era of electronic screens competing for attention, the most extravagant gift we can give our children is"Unreserved sense of presence". But there is no need to be kidnapped by the myth of "perfect parents". It has been scientifically proved that 5 to 10 minutes of "full commitment" without interference every day is enough to create miracles.

Moreover,A strong relationship is also the cornerstone of making discipline really effective.. Neuroscience shows that when children feel emotionally safe, the brain can effectively regulate emotions and accept feedback. That is, children are only willing to be guided by adults they trust.

2. School and social level: building a "relational education" ecology

Cultivating RQ is not only the responsibility of the family, but also the transformation of the school and the whole education system.

Studies have shown that,The close, supportive relationships established between teachers and students in the early stages can predict higher academic achievement years later.When children enter school, teacher-student and peer relationships are particularly important. When students feel understood and trusted, they are brave enough to try new knowledge; conversely, they retreat.

Therefore,Schools should not only use scores and rankings to define the value of a student, but also let children understand that cooperation is more important than competition.AndThe measure of school success depends not only on scores, but also on whether students feel belonging and connection.

For example, whether the school creates opportunities for children to connect and cooperate as much as possible inside and outside the classroom; Whether to use more group cooperation and peer discussion instead of cramming lectures. In schools with limited conditions, even if there is a "morning gatekeeper"-every morning, a special person at the door with a smile, eye contact and name greetings can inject a sense of security into the child.

In short,"Relationships are the foundation of all learning"The teacher is no longer just the teacher of knowledge, but also the "catalyst" and "guardian" of the relationship ".

3. "Relationship first" in the era of artificial intelligence"

Finally, in the era of artificial intelligence, Hou Keli does not think that children's lives need to completely eliminate AI. In fact, this is also very difficult to do.

Her suggestion was,"Relationship first, AI later". It is important to use AI to guide learning, but it must be "relationship first".We need to judge whether children use AI tools to become more curious, more creative, and better at connecting with others?

In the process of daily use, we need to ask children more: "what did you ask AI?" "what do you disagree with?" "how would you improve its answer?" to change the AI from "shortcut" to "sparring".

Hou Keli said that in many cases, children often know better than adults what is the true meaning of a healthy relationship, how technology should be integrated into life, and what kind of relationship they want to protect.

Conclusion

Today, when the anxiety of the "prefabricated baby" sweeps through every family, Hou Kali reveals a simple and profound truth to us:The miracle of education often occurs in warm and solid relationships. True power comes from love and connection.

And the interpersonal IQ represented by RQ, although not tested in the current exam,It is the real foundation of brain development, learning ability and resilience training, and it is also a key factor in predicting a child's future development and happiness.

For parents and educators, what we can do is to start with paying attention to parent-child relationship, teacher-student relationship and peer relationship, even if it is a small measure.